


and i said it’s fine (but youre the only one that knows i lied)

by boxerzayn



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, NIALL SLEEPS WITH EVERYBODY, hes sad thats why he sleeps with everyone, there isnt any smut hehe, this is the last one of those ed sheeran song fic thingys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-18
Updated: 2013-08-18
Packaged: 2017-12-23 22:09:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/931625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boxerzayn/pseuds/boxerzayn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>he’s about to call zayn, one night when he’s piss drunk and not thinking (or walking) straight.<br/>he’s about to call and tell zayn that he’s doing fine. that he’s got a job now, down at the lawndry shop down the street and that he’s washed the fucking sheets now. twice even, and that they don’t smell like smoke anymore. that he’s bought a fucking cat, not a dog like they always talked about getting. that he fucking hates dogs, he’s been lying all this time and that he’s a fucking cat person.</p>
            </blockquote>





	and i said it’s fine (but youre the only one that knows i lied)

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry for how messy it is umm what can i say other than that idk enjoy the angst

I found your hairband on my bedroom floor,  
The only evidence that you’ve been here before  
And I don’t get waves of missing you anymore,  
They’re more like tsunami tides in my eyes  
Never getting dry, so I get high, smoke away the days never sleep with the light on

///

niall roams around the apartment. it’s filthy, hasn’t cleaned since before zayn left. it’s cold too, and even though there’s crap everywhere it still feels empty.  
he drunkenly falls alseep somewhere in the bathroom, his shirt and breath stinking from alcohol. and if only zayn knew.  
he wakes up curled up into a little ball on the bathroom floor, with his head dangerously close to the toilet. slowly strips of all his clothes, gets in the shower and tells himself the obvious lie that it’s just water and no tears streaming down his face.  
the hot water warms up his skin and nearly burns his pale back, but he stands in the shower until the warm water turns freezing cold, and his eyes have no tears left to cry.  
he dries himself with an old towel but doesn’t mind getting dressed. he gets out te last small plastic bag of weed from beneeth his bed and rolls a joint of the picture of him and zayn on the night stand, and it’s so dad really. he smokes it until his body feels loose again, until he isn’t sure if all his body parts are connected. he laughs for himself at noting in particular. still hasn’t gone to the grocery store for a week. oh well.

///

Weeks pass in the blink of an eye,  
And I’m still drunk at the end of the night  
I don’t drink like everybody else,  
I do it to forget things about myself,  
Stumble and fall with the head spin I got  
My mind’s with you but my heart’s just not

////

he calls harry one day, (and he’s already a little drunk on a few bottles of beer but it’s not nearly enough) tells him “let’s go get fucking wasted, man” and harry has never let down that kind of offer and niall is so glad he’s his best mate, sometimes.  
“he’ll be fine y’know” harry slurs. “off in lawschool, and all. ‘s worse for you. you don’t do anything, niall. man. you gotta go on. you can’t just stay home for fricking five years waiting for him, man”  
niall just nodds slowly. “yeah,” he says. “i’ve gotta stop thinking about him. i-“  
“let’s get us some fucking birds, now, shall we?” harry says. he sounds impressivly coherent; the lad sure has had his fair amount of booze. but then niall remembers that it’s not so strange harry can fucking talk. nialls friends don’t drink like he does. they don’t drink to get their minds completely washed through, to make themselves forget their own name (he’ll probably forget his name before he forgets zayn)(and zayns eyes and kisses and fucking eyelashes)  
niall doesn’t end up pulling some bird but he stumbles home with a boy called liam into a cheap hotelroom. they have sex.  
Then niall’s about to leave, but liam pulls him down onto the bed again.(dammit, niall thinks. this boy can’t handle a fucking one night stand?) he sits though; it makes the pounding in his head less painful.  
liam is a really nice guy. he talks to niall kindly and softly and to be honest, niall had been kinda avoiding nice and kind and soft things ever since zayn left.  
they talk for hours, and it feels really good. liam’s a good listener, ‘hmm:s’ at just the right places asks questions that are easy to answer. zayn never did that.  
“and it’s like, this guy then, zayn, we had it all, really. and he was, he was gonna go to university in the states.”  
liam nodds then, quietly encourages him to tell more, “and like. we always said that it would work out and that we could skype and stuff and-” the tears are rolling down his face again now,(never seem to end, do they?) “and then, the day he was leaving, he just. he broke up with me. he said that it could never work, and that i’d be better off without him, and that i should just go out and have fun here without him. he didn’t want to hold me back. but i love him, i think. i think i love him. he doesn’t want me, i. i-“  
liam hugs him. it feels closer and more intimate than when he was actually inside niall, a couple of hours ago, and it feels warm and nice. it’s nothing like dragging in the warm smell of smoke from zayns leather jacket, or his soft hair, but it. it helps.  
“liam?”  
“yeah?”  
“‘m pretty sure zayn would like you”  
“yeah?”  
“yeah. i’m kind of a drunken wreck but you’re. you’re really nice, man”

///

So am I close to you , if it’s over?  
And there’s no chance that we’ll work it out

///

niall distances himself. he tells himself that he has to do what zayn told him (and harry and liam). he goes out. he sleeps with lots of boys and girls and that he barely rememers the names of. nick? jane? or was it jade? louis? lewis?  
he tells harry that everything is going great, that he “doesn’t miss zayn s’much, really”, and he starts playing guitar for a nice lad named ed down at the pub under his apartment.  
it’s not great, he’s kinda ripped up inside, but he can’t just go on thinking zayn will just, fly home to london, can he?

///

That’s why you and I ended over U N I  
And I said that’s fine, but you’re the only one that knows I lied  
You and I ended over U N I  
And I said that’s fine, but you’re the only one that knows I lied

///

sometimes, he lies in his bed, that he still hasn’t changed the sheets in (guesses it’s because he likes the smell of smoke still lingering in them) (especially on the pillow zayn used to sleep on, if he didn’t use nialls shoulder), and he wonders, if he could have done anything different. if he’d been a better boyfriend, more supportive and less sloppy, would zayn have kept the contact between them? niall has held the count, and now it’s ninety-one days since zayn flew.  
it’s almost november and it’s so cold. it’s cold outside, it’s cold in nialls appartment. it’s cold in the shower and in the bed and his tea even feels fucking cold.  
he hopes, hopes, hopes, that it’s fucking freezing in america too.

///  
Everybody said we’d be together forever but I know that,  
I never wanna settle down, come around, break up the love like Lego now,  
Never wanna turn into another like you,  
Sleep with my thoughts, dance with my views,

///

“never really understood zayn” niall states during coffee one morning. “‘never understood why he wanted to be a lawyer, never understood his paintings, never understood the things he said, really, or the things he did. never understood how he could just want everything so much, you know? i don’t really want anything” (“exept him” niall mutters under his breath)  
“yeah” harry says slowly. for once niall is the one that talks the sober’est.  
“don’t think we were made for each other, anyways.”  
it still hurts and it still burns behind nialls eyelids, but he takes a sharp ship of his coffee and continues explaining for harry.  
“i used to think that that ying-yang tattoo he has, the one on his arm y’know? that it was, for like, me. or, us. black and white like we were and all that shit. i dunno. ‘guess i just saw things that weren’t true. i guess i, never really knew what he was going on about, or who he was, i just… liked his voice and, his face.”  
“nice face” harry agrees, and they sit in silence after that.

///

Everything’s great but not everything’s sure,  
But you live in your halls and I live in a tour bus,  
Now I’m in a position to be another stalker like every thing I say seems to always sound awkward,

///

he’s about to call zayn, one night when he’s piss drunk and not thinking (or walking) straight.  
he’s about to call and tell zayn that he’s doing fine. that he’s got a job now, down at the lawndry shop down the street and that he’s washed the fucking sheets now. twice even, and that they don’t smell like smoke anymore. that he’s bought a fucking cat, not a dog like they always talked about getting. that he fucking hates dogs, he’s been lying all this time that he’s a fucking dog person.  
he has a shitload of stuff to say, and a shitload of stuff to ask, and zayn picks up the phone, but niall doesn’t know how to get out a sound. it has always been zayn that’s the quiet one, but now nialls mouth cant form any words at all, and he just listens to zayns ‘hello? is there anybody there?’s and regrets it for the whole night then.  
zayn with his honey voice and his accent makes niall cry in the pub bathroom and it’s so embarresing, (it’s been almost five months, dammit) and harry and ed bring him upstairs to his apartment (how does harry even have a key?) and puts him to bed.  
his bed doesn’t feel comfortable, and he wishes he’d never gotten rid of the smell of smoke in the sheets.

///

Like our last kiss, it was perfect, we were nervous,  
On the surface,  
And I’m always saying everyday that it was worth it,  
Pain is only relevant if it still hurts,  
I forget like an elephant, or we can use a sedative and go back to the day we fell in love just on our first kiss

///

niall is doing fine sometimes. he works from monday to friday and sometimes on saturdays too, he plays guitar and takes liam and harry and ed out bowling some nights. he drinks beer but doesn’t smoke pit anymore and yeah, he’s doing fine.  
but sometimes, it creeps up on him. he wakes up from a dream and it feels so true that he’s sure he can just reach out and touch zayn but he can’t, just can’t, and it’s like he’s forgotten on the surface, but deep down his body still remembers every moove zayn used to make.  
he goes home and visits ireland and goes picking stones on the beach, and he sees one that looks like fucking zayn if he was a stone snd how the fuck can a stone look like a person. it’s black and shiny when it’s ubder the water, and when it dries up it’s grey and that’s zayn, naill thinks, and he shouldn’t be.(zayn isn’t thinking of stones that look like niall, he’s becoming a goddamn lawyer). but he still is. will probably never stop thinking about zayn. or about the way he should have noticed, that last time they kissed. zayns lips had been so urgent and passionate and niall had actually been thinking that they really did love each other, “huh, this is maybe really going to work”.  
he should have noticed the way zayns eyes told another story, before his lips spoke the words.

///

So am I close to you anymore, if it’s over  
And there’s no chance that we’ll work it out  
Ohh you and I ended over U N I  
And I said that’s fine, but you’re the only one that knows I lied  
You and I ended over U N I  
And I said that’s fine, but you’re the only one that knows I lied

///

they haven’t spoken since at the airport that day in august. it seems like ages ago now, but niall still rememers every word zayn said. “i think we shouldn’t… i think we should take a break, when i’m in america. it isn’t fair to any of us, to be tied up like this. i love you, and all, but it just. it won’t work”  
“yeah.” niall had just said. “yeah, i think so too”, and zayn had smiled at him but they both knew that they were hurting and that no, that’s not what niall “had been thinking too”.

///

Because, if I was gonna go somewhere, I’d be there by now,  
And maybe I can let myself down,  
And I’m thinking that I’m unaware, I keep my feet on the ground and keep looking around, to make sure I’m not, the only one to feel low,

///

he calls zayn again, and it’s been seven months since the breakup now.  
this isn’t normal.  
you shouldn’t still be sad, niall tells himself.  
zayn answers too quickly, and niall doesn’t know what to say.

///

Because if you want, I’ll take you in my arms and keep you sheltered, from all that I’ve done wrong  
And I’ll know you’ll say, that I’m the only one  
But I know god made another one of me to love you better than I ever will

///

“hi. it’s niall.”  
he hears a sharp breath at the onther end of the line.  
“niall. hi. um”  
“i just wanted to call you to see how you were doing” niall rushes out.  
“i’m doing fine, yeah. been ages. how are you?” his voice is a bit shaky, but he sounds just like he used to, and nialls heart is kind of sinking and also beating really fast.  
“i’m good, mmm”  
he doesn’t know what to say then, and zayn doesn’t seem to either. it feels awkward.  
it never used to feel awkward.  
“i’ve got a girlfriend” zayn blurts out then, but it hangs in the air like if he regrets it.  
“i’m glad” niall forces. “what’s her name?”  
“perrie” zayn says and niall can hear through the phone that he’s so proud.  
“kinda reminds me if you, sometimes.” he mumbles. “she’s all bright smile and blonde hair and all that”  
nialls heart hurts and his head spins and he doesn’t know how to reply to that. (“then why the hell did you let me go? if you wanted someone like me?”) “i am glad, really.” he says again.  
“thanks” zayn says. “i’m coming back this summer, to london. maybe i’ll see you around.”  
“yeah” niall says. “goodbye”  
“bye, ni”  
he hangs up. sits down on his bed. his mind is filled with zayn, zayn, zayn. and a shitloead of question marks, too.  
what did he even expect him to say really? ‘please niall i’ve changed my mind come cuddle with me, i’m still broken since what happened eight months ago’  
no. niall goes and buys hair bleech then, and as the roots go blonde, he practices his big smile in the mirror. ugh.

///

Cause you and I ended over U N I  
And I said that’s fine, but you’re the only one that knows I lied  
You and I ended over U N I

///

zayn comes back during the summer, rents an apartment a couple of blocks away from niall.  
they bump into each other only a week in to july. zayn looks different. his hair doesn’t fall down on forehead anymore, it’s styled up in a riddicilous quiff. he’s gotten rid of his glasses too and his face has more stubble than a year ago. the leather jacket it the same, though, and the cigarette behind his ear.  
niall invites him home to his apartment, is careful to not say ‘our’.  
zayn fills out the empty space in the flat right away, and niall doesn’t really know what to do, everything feels just the same, and he has to remember that it’s not.  
“so you still with perrie then?” niall asks, offering zayn his cup of tea (plain without sugar or milk; he remembers)  
“nah” zayn mumbles. “im gonna stay in england all summer, and she didn’t really believe in this whole long distance relationship thing”  
niall laughs. he had almost forgotten the way zayn made him laugh. it’s been nearly a year and he’s gotten that laugh out of him within five minutes.  
“you didn’t believe in this whole long distance relationship thing, zayn”  
“but it’s not really the same thing though?”  
niall looks at him. “my flat over on the other is so shitty” zayn whines, “i love this one though” and oh, zayn had always been able to get to him.  
“you could stay here, just for the summer” niall offers.  
“really?”  
“yeah, it’s fine” niall says and regrets it the second he’s let the words slip out of his mouth.

///

And I said that’s fine, but you’re the only one that knows I lied


End file.
